Abundance and the Law of Intention and Desire: Day 12

Intention is a big one.  I am thinking about my intention for wanting to teach.  At first I wanted to do it because it seemed respectable and a safe harbour from the storm.  But, what I am finding out is that teaching is not a safe harbour.  It is hard work pouring one's heart out.

Question: Why do I want to write?  My true intention behind that is a job--money. 
What about communicating a message? What about all that stuff I wrote about writing and messages the other day?  do I believe it?  No, I don't believe it.  I know writing is about messages an a transformative discipline for the individual because writing has helped me transform my own life.  At least, I am focused on what is in my mind, the nature of the world, and how we communicate with one another.   

Excerpts from my journals and notes

I just opened my journal up to any page, and this is what I found:

"September 30, 2012
You are not the thoughts.  You are not the thinker.  You are the awareness of the thought and the thinker.  The awareness is the silence.  This is God.  This is the space where you pay attention to the awareness.  When we get caught up in anxiety, worry, and regret, we are involved as the thinker and not the awareness."

I found a 3x5 note card in my journal.  On it, I have written the definition of intent
Intent-is a force in nature.  To clarify this, I added the following on the 3x5 note card:

• Relinquish need for approval
• Being Independent of the opinions of others
• Present Tense+Feeling+Intention=Manifesting

The Chopra Meditation:

The question I am answersing is "What steps have you taken to manifest that intention in your life?" (Chopra)

Here is my answer:

The steps I have taken to manifest my highest intention was to start taking care of myself.  I made a commitment to finish my education.  At 35, I went back to school and completed my bachelor's degree.  That is the time I fell in love with English.  I went to graduate school  and learned how to teach writing. 

I don't understand how what I just wrote responds to the question.  I am evading the answer, hiding in congenial talk. 

In truth, I have been busy pushing love away from me.  I have not done much to invite it into my life.  I've tried to ignore and pretend as though it doesn't exist while it is there.  I wish to let go and open up without fear.   Give up the control.  I have no control.  This would have to be the first time in my life that I actually seriously tried meditation, or taken the spiritual aspect of life as a knowing rahther than a believing.  So, the real answer is I have taken one step to manifest that intention by participating in the 21 day meditation challenge. 

how will my intention serve others?

This intention will help my family.  It will make sure that my brother has his freedom and is taken care of.  In the world, it will help others to improve their communication and understand the true power of language.  You can free your mind by learning to communicate your message, by seeing language not as some mystical "thing" that only a few can use, but as a tool.  It is a tool for communication that we all have the ability to use.  Language can help you define your reality, so you do not be come objectified by the subjectivity of others. 
My intention will also spread the word of compassion and teach people they do not need to eat animals or kill animals to survive.  We can live off plants.  No creature has suffer. 

The actual meditation:

I was into today session.  I wrote a little about the meditation topic and did the "wants" activity sent in the email. 

I quickly got into relaxation.  I was  concentrating on the mantra: "Om Ritam Namah" (it sounds like "return to me" in English).  My mind wandered on letting go and trusting.  Then I started to feel the pain in my chest.  It is more like a pressure on my chest and my throat.  I felt it.  I kept saying, "let it go. let it go."  Then, I thought why?  Why are you trying to surpress your feelings?  Feel it.  This is what life feels like.  I've been so busy trying to surpress the pressure/pain that I didn't realize that maybe it is not pain, but what life feels like, and it actually feels good.  A wave of energy overwhelmed me.  A heat and tingle sensation covered me.  I beame afraid.  I went back to the mantra to calm myself.  My heart was beating fast.  Suddenly, I just flet okay.   "Maybe this is what life feels like, and it feels good"--is a knew thought for me.  my breathing.  The bell rang.