Totally Gorged on Cashews

I totally gorged on cashews today. I got nervous while I was doing my homework . I could not find the discussion board because I must have temporary lost my mind. I sent a panic email to my instructor. After I sent the email, I found the link. So, I had to send a email asking him to disregard my crazy “I can’t find the discussion board” email.

When I found the discussion board, I noticed that the stuff I wrote and uploaded to Blackboard on Tuesday did not show up today. Then I tried to open the PDF document that I saved my writing on, and it opened blank. That is when I started tripping. I blamed it on my computer, but I did remain relatively calm. I did not cuss or threaten my computer with mutilation. I rebooted.

While my computer was booting up, I ate one large handful of nuts & dried berry medley. I drank green juice straight from the bottle—no glass for this girl. I was full.

My computer came back up. I logged on to Blackboard. I opened the PDF; it came up with all the stuff I wrote. I opened the discussion board, and I still did not find my post. So, I had to resubmit my work.

While I copied and pasted and uploaded, I ate another big handful of nuts & berry medley. This handful took me over the edge. I feel full in an uncomfortable way. My tummy feels heavy and my tongue feels over stimulated from the sugar in the dried berries.

What did I learn?

I learned that I used raw food the same way I used non-vegan cooked food. I wanted to rid myself of my anxiety, and the only way I could think of to do it in a quick way was to eat a large amount of fat and sugar.

I need to work on using alternative strategies for dealing with extreme emotions. Breathing would have been better than putting something in my mouth. I cannot put “things” in my mouth when I am stressed. I say “things” because in the past I have put food, alcohol, cigarettes, and pills in my mouth to numb emotion.

I have to allow myself to feel.